Evil Doctor Rocket Science Monsters
by Hello Helicopter
Summary: Sequel to The Future Freaks Me Out. Ace and Julie antics mostly. If you haven't read the first one, these are my very own homemade characters.
1. Tea Cup Fragments

**Evil Doctor Rocket Science Monsters**

**The Sequel to the Future Freaks Me Out**

**Ace and Julie's shenanigans, tomfoolery, antics, and hooliganism. Basically if you didn't read the Future Freaks me out, then don't bother reading this. We believed that Ace and Julie deserved their own story, there's really no plot yet. It's pretty much all for shits and giggles. ENJOY!**

………..

**Chapter One: Tea Cup Fragments**

KABOOM! Julie flew into the china cabinet. Poor little tea cups fragments scattered about the floor. Handles and little lighthouse patterns crunched under Ace's converse clad feet. Julie jumped back to her feet and scrambled into her room before Ace could catch her. Ace reached the door and pounded against the wooden obstacle.

"Give it back!" Ace shouted. Julie scrambled around in her room trying to find a good hiding spot for the pink object in her hand before her brother broke down her door. She found a shoe and shoved it inside, then threw it in the corner of her room out of sight. She rushed over and shoved her tiny body against the door as it rattled in its frame.

"Neverrrrrrrr!" She yelled in response. A particularly forceful drop kick administered by Ace caused the door to swing open and knock Julie to the ground. He pounced on top of her and pinned her hands to the floor. Her eyes glowed pink as she hexed him off of her frail little body.

"No fair, mommy says you're not allowed to use your powers on me!" Ace shouted angrily, "I'm defenseless."

"You're like twenty times my size, what are you talking about?"

"That means nothing."

"That means _everything_,do you really think I could win a hand to hand fight against you? That's like telling Indiana Jones to face off against Batman without his whip o' death!"

"Did you just compare yourself to Indiana Jones? I'm sorry, but he gets _way_ more action than you do."

"Well you get it up the anus from Robin!"

"Please if anyone of us is gay, it's you! When was the last time you got laid?!"

"That is none of you business, little bro."

"Come on, you scream virgin."

"Your face is a virgin!"

"Not since fourth grade, Prude."

"_God_, you're such a whore!"

"At least I don't claim I'm saving myself for marriage when it's actually just because no one in their right mind will screw me!" Julie finally had enough and hexed Ace across the room. He crashed into her desk and knocked her computer onto the floor.

"Way to go, jackass, you just broke my shit!"

"You threw me! How could you blame me for that?"

"Well, you should have landed somewhere else." Ace got up and shoved her into the closet and stood in front of it so she couldn't get out.

"Let me out, it's dark in here!"

"Why don't you use your big scary powers to make it light in there, Oh Powerful One."

"You're just jealous because the closest thing you have to a power is freakish height!"

"I could understand how the nine inches I have over your five feet is intimidating."

"Nine inches?! Try twelve feet!"

"I'm a growing boy!"

"Pasta and green vegetables don't turn you into a Shaq mini-me!"

"I'm not black!"

"Racist!"

"Size-ist!" With that she hexed the door open and jumped on his back like a crazed monkey. She tugged at his hair while he struggled to knock her off of him. He tickled her sides and she fell off laughing hysterically.

"Give it back, you crazy bitch!" he yelled in her face while he continued to tickle the ever-loving shitake mushrooms out of her.

"I…can't…breathe!"

"Just give it back and I'll let you go, it's not difficult. It's not like I'm gonna frisk you for it."

"I…don't…have…it…on…me," she said between breaths. Ace immediately stopped and looked at her menacingly.

"Then where the hell is it?"

"In mom's room, I figured you wouldn't look in there."

"You wouldn't."

"Try me!"

"MOM!"

"Do you really want her to know that I took _that_ from _your_ room?"

"Never mind, ma! I love you…A LOT!"

"No you don't, if you loved her you wouldn't keep those kinds of things in her house."

"Zoe left them, it's not my fault!"

"So that makes it okay?"

"Um, yes?"

"You're an idiot!"

"You're the idiot! When I get horny enough I'll just fuck her without them, so the outcome is all on you!"

"That is disgusting, you pig."

"Okay Auntie, I'll make sure my piglets visit you in nine months."

"That's not even funny."

"Who's trying to be funny? I'm dead serious, I want my baby sister involved in their lives."

"You know what I was talking about, _Casey_."

"_Never_ use my full name!"

"Or else what? You'll make me baby-sit?"

"Even I'm not crazy enough to leave children alone with you. You don't get enough action, you'd probably molest them."

"Nobody would even _touch_ the spawn of you and _Zoe_."

"You're just jealous of my chiseled abs o' steel. Bitch, recognize!"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"So you admit it!"

"The closest thing you have to abs are ribs, Skeletor!"

"At least I'm not a short fat ass!"

"I am not fat!"

"You're right, you're _obese_!" She hexed him once again and this time he landed softly on her bed.

"Stop using your_ powers_ on me!" his voice cracked with anger, making Julie giggle.

"You mean like this?!" Julie shouted as she hexed him again. The bed frame broke and collapsed under him.

"You're destroying your own room! Just give me back my stuff and break yours on your own time!"

"This is all your fault!"

"How? _You_ went into my room. _You _took my stuff. _You_ hid it somewhere. _You're _breaking shit left right; why haven't mom or dad noticed any of this yet?"

"They're oblivious to the world."

"That _or_ they're fucking each other senseless because they don't have a psychotic little brat stealing their necessities to do so!"

"You're talking about our parents you freak."

"I'm the freak? You steal you're brother's girlfriend's birth control pills and_ I'm_ the freak?"

"Yes." Ace jumped off the bed on top of her as Jinx walked into the room.

"Get off of her now, Casey," she said, her voice full of authority.

"Mom, she stole…something…from my room! Tell her to give it back!"

"Julie, give it back."

"Gladly," she said as she grabbed the shoe and emptied its contents onto the floor. She dramatically tossed it across the room so that the light shone on it and their mother saw exactly what the missing property was. Ace caught it and bolted out of the room before he got scolded.

"You're grounded!" Jinx screamed after him.

……..

End chapter one.

Love,

Hello Helicopter and Boombox Generation.


	2. Bitch, I'm Sexy

**That's right, we back fooooo! We've done our best to portray two teenage boys, so please review and tell us if we should up the rating on this story. **

**Disclaimer: We don't own the Teen Titans or Jinx (We don't even mention them that much in this story)**

**However, we do own, Ace, Julie, Cake and Soda Pop, because we sexayyyyyyy!**

**Chapter two is about to commence.**

………

Chapter Two: Bitch, I'm Sexy

Ace has this friend. His name is Cake. He has a twin brother._ His_name is Soda Pop. That's right you guessed it, their parents like sugar. They were also high, the day they were born. Somehow, Cake and Soda Pop managed to walk the earth with out being brain damaged from extensive drug use while they were in the womb. Jinx likes Cake, the person and the food. Therefore he's allowed to come over when ever he wants to. Even when Ace is grounded. That's how they ended up on Ace's futon watching porn and talking about how lame it was that he was grounded.

"Does that mean you can't fuck?" Cake asked.

"Yes, CJ, that's exactly what it means. Haven't you ever been grounded before?" Ace rolled his eyes. Ace is the only one who calls Cake, CJ. But that was because Ace was the only person Cake ever confided in his dark horrible truth. Cake hated his name. It's too feminine for him.

"No, my parents are pot heads remember?" Cake said, "They named my brother and I after their favorite munchies, I don't think they care if I fuck."

"Oh yeah… I guess that would explain the crack lab in your basement."

"Don't even talk about that place." Cake said, and then added darkly, "Scary people man… Snake and Spider tried to molest me once. Why do you think I spend all my time over here?"

"I always thought you just couldn't get enough of this beast!" Ace said gesturing to his boner. Cake laughed.

"Yeah, and I can't get enough of your extensive porn collection." He said, "Speaking of extensive porn collections, I want to fuck your sister."

"That's disgusting, she's a midget." Ace groaned at the mental picture.

"Perfect height if you know what I mean…" Cake said. Ace groaned.

"Can we not talk about my sister? You know, considering she's the reason I'm grounded and all." Ace said, "Besides she's a prude. She wouldn't fuck you if you paid her. Not to mention she hates you."

"She doesn't hate me. She's just in denial of her deep burning passion for me."

"Yeah I'm sure that's it."

"Shut up Ace, you're just jealous."

"Because I can't get with my sister?...Gross."

"You have incest written all over you."

"While we're on the subject of incest, why don't you just go and fuck Soda Pop…. You can be just like the Jonas Brothers." Ace grinned.

"That's gross man, that's calling me gay."

"Well Julie's pretty manly, so it's kind of the same."

"If she has boobs and vag then she's not a guy."

"Please, if bras had jean sizes, she'd be a double zero."

"No way she'd at least be a five."

"No she wouldn't, a double zero would be a training bra, a zero would be like a step up so it's slightly curved but doesn't have its own cup size yet, a one would be an A, a three would be a B, and a five would be a C. Don't even get me started on seven and eleven."

"Fine then she's like a one…and a half."

"There's no half jean size!"

"There is now! So thank your sister's breasts!"

"I don't want to do_ anything_ with my sister's breasts."

"What about your sister's breasts?" Julie asked as she walked in.

"I don't want anything to do with them." Ace said and then looked up, "Get out of my room!"

"Educational television again, I see." Julie said looking over at the TV in disgust.

"I hate you both." Ace said.

"I love you too honey," Cake grinned.

"You two sicken me, I'm waiting for the day I walk in and find one of you giving the other anal."

"That's what you get for never knocking." Ace snapped back.

"Twelve years of therapy? Yeah that sounds like a fair price."

"For fourteen years of abuse from a midget?! I'd say it's still unjust."

"Hey Julie, what are you doing tonight?" Cake leaned forward with interest.

"Nothing that involves you, that's for sure." She said with a sneer.

"Don't worry CJ, her plans involve no men at all. She's going to her weekly lesbian group therapy meeting." Ace smirked

"I'm game." Cake grinned.

"Pigs…" Julie mumbled.

"You're just jealous because you wish you could tap that as much as I do." Ace said.

"Babe, I didn't know you cared that much." Cake grinned.

"You know it, sweetie pie." Ace said giving him a wink.

"Gay…" Julie rolled her eyes.

"I get too much pussy to be gay." Ace reminded her.

"Not as of late." Julie retorted.

"Only because you're a snitch!"

"If you recall, I didn't snitch anything. Mom clearly saw the pills spiral across the room into your awaiting hands."

"What are you? A cliché movie narrator?"

"Yeah I was thinking about applying for The Notebook II."

"Smart ass…" Ace grumbled.

"Bitch, I'm sexy." Cake said randomly from under the futon, he had crawled under there after Julie called him gay. He was quite surprised no one had noticed.

"What are you doing down there?" Ace asked.

"Jerking off to your sister's voice… I'm pretending you're not here." He explained, "I'm gonna have to wash my hands in about five minutes. Do you have any clothes I can borrow?"

"Eh, you're about Julie's size maybe you could just borrow her panties." Ace shrugged.

"Can I keep them when I'm done?" Cake asked. All Julie could muster was a disgusted scoff.

"See what happens when you come into my room? We all get the emotional trauma!" Ace said. Just then Soda Pop burst into the room.

"God damn you non-knockers!" Ace shouted, "I'm grounded, I could be masturbating in here!"

"Where's Cake?" Soda Pop asked.

"In the fridge, it was Mom's birthday yesterday and we still have some leftovers if ya like vanilla." Ace said.

"You know what I mean." Soda Pop crossed his arms aggressively, clearly not in the mood for jokes. Ace pointed to underneath his futon.

"Down there." He answered. Soda Pop got down to his knees so he could face Cake.

"Mom's hiding on top of the fridge speaking in gibberish again." He informed him.

"Is she talking about the conspiring leprechauns who follow the religion of Jesatanism again?" Cake asked.

"I can't communicate with her when she's high. That's why I need you, you have experience with this sort of thing."

"Hey, I'm above the influence. Because of weed, my name is Cake for God sake (A/N: That rhymed!)" Cake said.

"Still, you're the only one weird enough to talk to her." Soda Pop said.

"Whatever… I guess I have to go." Cake groaned and called out from underneath Ace's futon, "Peace brotha," Cake said waving two fingers in acknowledgment at Ace. He took Julie's hand and kissed it, "Mah lady." He grinned. She scoffed in disgust for what seemed like the thousandth time since she entered Ace's room. Cake and Soda Pop left the room, and Julie followed them out to go and wash her hands.

"I'm surrounded by fags." Ace muttered to himself.

……………..

**Ze End of Chaptah Two**

**By the way, we are super sorry if we have offended our fellow females in any way. But we're girls so we don't know how guys actually interact when they're alone, however this seems to do it justice. If you'd like to personally insult us in response, our myspaces are:**

**.com/mandatatertot**

**.com/metalxxhead**

**We accept everyone so don't worry about not being recognized.**

**Love,**

**Hello Helicopter and Boombox Generation**


	3. Just Because This Is America

**We have surprise for you in this chapter. I'll give you a hint: There's a plot! **

**Disclaimer: We still don't own Teen Titans. This makes us sad. Almost as much as when Heath Ledger died. But not quite.**

……………

Chapter Three: Just Because This Is America

Ace stared at his door in shock as he heard someone knock; no one ever knocked unless they had something incredibly awkward to talk about and wanted to stall before having to start the conversation.

"Come in," he said nervously. Sure enough, his father stood in the door frame, confirming his fears by fidgeting and looking everywhere but his face. He looked a like a little kid who was being forced to kiss his aunts at a family party.

"Son, your mother wants me to talk to you," he said. He walked in briskly and closed the door behind him, turning to lock it before sitting on the edge of Ace's futon.

"Oh Jesus what has she asked you to do to me?!" Ace spluttered apprehensively while crossing his legs.

"Calm down kid, I'm not a redneck. I wish it was that easy…" he trailed off.

"What could be worse than incest with a southern accent?"

"The journey we are about to embark on."

"And what strange and potentially STD spreading journey is that, father?" With that, Flash handed him a book. Ace looked down and read Sex Talks For Dummies scrawled across the cover in orange-yellow font.

"No!" he got up and ran for the door, but Flash was too fast. He grabbed him by the midsection and threw him back down on the futon.

"We must have this discussion! I'm not allowed to leave until it's over!"

"Sucks for you," Ace clawed at the window while screeching at random pedestrians, "Help, help, my fathers raping me! I'm cold and scared!" A woman walking her dog and talking on her cell phone froze mid-step and stared at Ace. She almost looked away but saw a pair of large arms wrap around the boy's body. He screamed like a girl and kicked his legs before he was totally pulled away from sight. Just because we're in America, she resumed her conversation and walked away like she never saw a thing.

"We have to do this, it'll be best if we just get it out of the way now!" Flash exclaimed.

"I don't wanna!"

"Me neither, but it has to be done! Even though I think it's a little late for this…"

"What would you even know about giving a sex talk? You lost your virginity to mom and then married her, doomed to screw the same one and only woman for the rest of your miserable existence; unless you get a divorce. If we were in the colonial times you'd be shunned from society, but in this day and age it's completely normal."

"Okay I'm gonna forgot that you just suggested that me and your mother should get a divorce and proceed with educating you on the dangers of promiscuous sex." Flash said, he took a seat next to his son and opened the book to page 34 and quickly turned the contents of the page to Ace's attention, "Now, this is a photo of an 18 year old girl's vagina with herpes."

"Oh my God! STOP!" Ace turned away quickly and covered his face with his hands.

"I can't, this has to be done, wouldn't you rather it was me that has to talk to you than your mother?" he inquired.

"Can we just _pretend_ we had this talk? We'll just awkwardly walk around the house and avoid eye contact for a few days, mom will think we talked." Ace reasoned.

"I don't have the capabilities to lie to your mother! I didn't even have the capabilities to fight with her about this conversation… she's scary!" Flash said with a genuine look of fear on his face.

"But why now?! I have been having sex for years, couldn't we have had this talk when I didn't even know what a vagina was!"

"Years?" Flash choked, Ace gave him a look, and he waved away that fun fact, "Okay, maybe it was a mistake that we didn't have this conversation sooner, but we can't delay it any longer. When your mother saw those birth control pills she had an epiphany… Zoe can get pregnant. She hadn't let that thought even enter her mind okay? Truth be told, I didn't either. So this realization hit like a ton of bricks. We don't even want her in our lives Ace; do you really think we want her uterus to contain our grandchildren?"

"God, I am as safe as safe can be." Ace said, "There's really no need for this…"

"There really_ is_ a need. You are fourteen. That's pretty damn young to be sexually active!" Flash reminded him.

"So? Big deal, I'm a little mature…"

"A little?!"

"Fine! I'm incredibly mature." Ace said, "That's why I'm going to curl up in the fetal position until you leave!" He jumped off and before Flash could manage to grab him he had crawled underneath the futon into Cake's hiding spot. Flash got down on his knees and reached underneath to try and grab him and pull him out. Ace bit his hand and Flash retracted his arm quickly cradling it to his chest.

"Did you just bite me?!" Flash asked.

"Absolutely!" Ace shouted and then added, "All hopes of this conversation taking place are gone, so just leave quietly!" Flash gritted his teeth together.

"Get out from under there or you're grounded!"

"I'm already grounded! That's a pretty weak threat!"

"Well you know what? Just because your underneath there isn't gonna stop me from having this conversation!" Flash stated as he grabbed the book off the futon, "Ace, do you know what a diaphragm is? Because if so I want to skip this chapter…"

"Yes! I know what it is! Skip, skip, skip, skip!" Ace shouted.

"See? If you keep cooperating we're…"

"La, la, la, la, la!" Ace shouted as he stuck his fingers in his ears and blocked out his fathers voice.

"You're antics don't amuse me!" Flash shouted loud enough to break the sound barrier.

"Well you're questionable parenting skills don't amuse _me_." Ace growled. Flash decided he had just about enough of this. Using his super quick reflexes he grabbed the front of Ace's shirt and dragged him out from underneath the futon. Ace slid a few feet across the hardwood floor and then came to a stop as his back hit the wall. He angrily pounded his fist against the wall.

"GOD! I am so sick of this!" Ace shouted.

"Well we can do this all night you know but you're only stalling the inevitable…" Flash started before Ace interrupted him angrily.

"No, not that! Everyone uses their powers on me and I can't do a god damn thing! It's not fair!" Ace growled. Flash looked over at his son's pouting face and sympathized.

"It's not so bad being normal…" Flash said.

"Are you kidding?! I get beat up my midget sister on a daily basis! I'm like one hex away from an eating disorder!" Ace folded his arms.

"Ace, I'm sorry okay, this is a serious discussion and I'm not going to forget about it, but we really need to get this talk over with!" With that, Flash quickly opened up Ace's night stand and shoved aside the empty condom wrappers and grabbed a pair of handcuffs. He snapped one around Ace's wrist and another around the arm rest of his futon.

**- 2 hours later -**

"…and that's how Julie was conceived." Flash finished, Ace's eyes were widened as far as they could go, and his sheer terror hadn't allowed him to blink, "Do you need to throw up again?" Flash asked. Ace slowly shook his head.

"Well, I believe I've given you more than enough to think about." Flash rubbed Ace's spiky red hair, "Anything you'd like to ask or say?" Ace slowly shook his head again.

"Okay then, see you at dinner." Flash shrugged and un-cuffed his son. Ace just stared vacantly after him. Then, just because this is America, he pulled out a small bag of weed and proceeded the long process of trying to mentally block the memories of the previous conversation.

**OKAY, well this concludes chaptuh three! **

**Love, HelloHelicopter and Boombox Generation :)**


	4. My Humble Abode

**Disclaimer: We don't own Teen Titans, but Ace, Julie, Cake and Soda Pop are ours!**

**My two year old sister was telling us what she wanted for lunch and we thought we'd share it with you:**

"**I want roni and cheese! No, chicken nuggets! No, steak! Steak! Put roni cheese on the steak! No, put the steak on the ground and then squish it into peanut butter and then put sprinkles on it!"**

…………

Chapter Four: Welcome To My Humble Abode

Cake didn't like being alone on a Saturday night. He would much rather be at a bar with his best buddy Ace. Cake decided since Ace couldn't go out to the bar, he would simply have to bring the bar to Ace. So he journeyed to the liquor store owned by his parent's friends, who happened to think that Cake was 34 for some reason, and purchased two bottles of vodka. _'Yes,'_ thought Cake, _'this is certainly an efficient way to cheer up little Ace.' _So that's how Cake found himself sneaking into Ace's house through the living room window. Of course he would have been welcome to use the front door but that just wasn't Cake's style. He stumbled through the darkness and tripped over a tiny little figure.

"Ouch! Watch where you going, dumb shit!" the figure shouted. Cake was bemused and thought he had tripped over a shoe, but it turned out to be Julie.

"Sorry… What are you doing on the floor anyway?" Cake asked. He turned on a lamp, and saw tears running down Julie's tiny little face. Her eyes and nose were red and she angrily turned away. "Are you okay, Julie?" Cake said with concern, only to be hexed away.

"I'm fine!" she said defensively. Cake stopped and switched tactics, Julie wasn't going to take well to sympathy. He crept back towards her with a cheesy grin.

"Hey Julie, you know what it means when life gives you lemons?" he asked, and then paused, "It probably means life doesn't like you very much." Julie looked up with confusion in her expression.

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Julie asked.

"No, it's supposed to make you less defensive so I can warm up to some more original territory." Cake said, "What happened Julie?"

"None of your business!" She screeched. Cake held up his hands in surrender.

"Okay, fine… never mind then. I'll just go see Ace," he went to go stand up but Julie wrapped her arms around his legs.

"Don't leave me!" she screamed in tears once more. Cake froze in a freaked out position. "I'm SORRY!" Julie yelled in a very high tone.

"Okay, okay, I'm not leaving… bipolar much?" he muttered under his breath.

"Tanya told Ashley to tell Andrew to tell Paul to tell Eric to tell Christa that Tony likes her, but Tony actually told Shane to tell Carlos to tell Vinny to tell Frankie to tell Rob to tell Brooke that he liked _her. _So then Christa told Angie to tell West to tell Willow to tell Brodie to tell Destiny to tell T.S. to tell Brooke that if she touched her man then there would be some serious trouble and a few trips to the hospital. But that just made Brooke mad, so _she_ told Chris to tell Laila to tell Dane to tell Leo to tell Anthony to tell Antonia, because they're dating and that's super cute, to tell Kyle to tell Christa that if she wanted to start something then they should settle it the mature way; by having a cheer off! So Christa and Brooke went around and recruited all the best cheerleaders they could for their squad until they both only needed one more. Brooke and Christa both needed someone little and light to be on the top of their pyramids! So they both came up to me, at the same time, and asked me to join their squads, at the same time. I didn't know what to do because the other one would end up mad at me for sabotaging their squad's routine. After like 9879876987 minutes of deliberating, I decided to join Brooke's squad because she's black so she could probably hurt me worse than Christa. So, the cheer off began and our squad was winning by like a million points. Then it came time for the pyramids; unfortunately for Christa, the only female cheerleader left was the infamous 92638 pound Anaconda. So I come out and I'm doing my back flips and me and Anaconda go to jump on to the top of our pyramids at the same time.. But, as we're spiraling through the air, Anaconda's skirt flies up and she farts out shrimps at me. She starts laughing and goes, 'Join your brothas!' I was so caught off guard by this heinous act that I lost my balance as I landed on the top of the pyramid. I fell and collided with Anaconda's massive belly and bounced off. She launched me all the way across the football field. But, because I knocked into her, she lost her balance too and fell off of _her_ pyramid. So now both Christa and Brooke are mad at me because they say that I ruined their cheer off. So we had to have a wrestling match instead. I was still on Brooke's squad, but we had to face Anaconda and Christa. Anaconda went in first so Brooke said I had to be first for our team since I ruined the pyramid. I walked up to Anaconda and she pushed me down. Then, she sat on me! I couldn't even breathe and she still just sat there. Everyone was laughing at me! It was the most embarrassing moment of my life!" she said in one breath.

"I don't know what the fuck you just said, but do you want some vodka to wash away your little insignificant troubles?" Cake asked, offering her the bottle that he had already opened during her long and uninteresting story.

"Yeah, I do," Julie said, taking it out of his hands and chugging half of it.

"That was, uh, pretty intense…maybe I should take that back," he said, reaching for the bottle.

"No! It's mine!" she screamed and then crawled under the table.

"Okay fine, keep it, I have another one anyway. I have to go continue my mission, so I'll see you later, crazy little psycho demon," Cake said as he walked towards the stairs to Ace's room. Julie slithered out from her hiding place and jumped on his back.

"Take me with you! You're the only one who cares about my day!"

"Who said I cared about your day? I was just curious about why you were crying."

"You're a liar, you care about my day because you love me!"

"Who told you that? Was it Ace?"

"No silly, you tell me all the time."

"You can't tell anybody that, I have them thinking I just want to nail you."

"Only if I can come with you!"

"Yes, my sweet, sweet pumpernickel."

"Goody goody gum drops!" Julie announced.

"Yeah, sure," Cake said as he entered Ace's room.

"Halt, trespasser," Ace commanded as he stood up, "state your business; I don't want any more awkward conversations."

"I got your sister drunk, and now she's clinging to my back."

"What part of 'no more awkward conversations' did you not understand?"

"I brought vodka!"

"Welcome to my humble abode. Please, have a seat."

"I thought you'd see things my way," Cake said with a smirk.

Ace took one look at Julie before he asked, "Have you been crying?" She sucked in a deep breath and prepared to tell her story again.

"Tanya told Ashley to tell Andrew to tell Paul to…" Cake clapped his hand over Julie's mouth.

"Never mind, we'll just leave."

"Okay, freaks." The pair exited the room after waving goodbye and started down the hall.

"Come see _my_ room," Julie said in a screechy voice while she pulled on Cake's arm.

"What's up with that voice?"

"I was being seductive."

"The only reason you find me attractive right now is because of the alcohol, you know that, right?"

"Maybe you should have some!"

"Darling, I think that is an _excellent_ idea." That last swig of vodka was the last thing he remembered before his night disappeared into a black vortex.

……………

**End Chapter Four!**

**Love,**

**Hello Helicopter and Boombox Generation**


	5. Rapist Stalker Pig

**Disclaimer: We still don't own anything… except for really cool seatbelt belts!**

……………

Chapter Five: Rapist Stalker Pig

Julie wasn't the type to get headaches. She would scream until her face turned blue and the other person had a headache, but she never got them. And then the awakening of this morning happened. It felt like little elves were in her brain wrestling around and smacking into the walls of her skull. She sat up and shivered, looking down she realized she was in a bra. She tried to remember the events of the night before, but the only things that came to mind, were vodka… and the name Anaconda for some reason. She then spied a small lump at the foot of her bed underneath the unicorn printed blanket. She crawled over and lifted the covers obscuring the object to reveal Cake curled up in the fetal position wearing nothing but boxers and sucking his thumb. Julie screamed a scream that would put the little girl from "The Exorcist" to shame. Cake screamed and fell off the small space at the foot of Julie's bed.

"What are you doing in my room?!"

"What are you talking about?! You clung to my back and begged me to come in with you! It was frightening really…"

"Liar!" She jumped on Cake's back and began punching the back of his head. Ace opened up the door without knocking.

"What's with all the ruckus?" he demanded. "And what the hell are you doing in my sister's room all naked and whatnot?"

"I'm not naked, I'm wearing my favorite Pokemon boxers," Cake answered matter-of-factly with his hands on his hips.

"He raped me!" Julie screamed.

"WHAT?! No I didn't."

"Hmm… I think that's the only way Julie would ever have sex. She is a prude." Ace said considering it for a moment.

"I didn't rape anyone, stop jumping to conclusions!" Cake yelled in his defense, "Besides I just got her drunk and we began fooling around… God why do you assume the worst of me?"

"So you did rape me!"

"No I didn't, did you not hear what I just said?"

"That's like date rape!"

"You got me drunk too! Off your crappy story, and then I had to try and drink so I could forget about it. My judgment was impaired… and apparently yours was too!"

"I always use good judgment! You drugged me and then tied me down and raped me! You're a rapist!"

"Are you kidding me? I had two bottles of vodka and I seem to remember you chugging one without me so much as pushing you to."

"Dude, you raped my sister," Ace stated.

"Aren't you listening? SHE raped ME!"

"That's disgusting! I wouldn't touch the likes of you!" Julie yelled.

"You did last night…" Cake mumbled.

"What was that?" Julie asked menacingly.

"Nothing, dear."

"Don't use any pet names while addressing me you rapist."

"You didn't think I was a rapist when you were screaming my name last night."

"Maybe I was just hungry!"

"For my delicious-"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence."

"I hope Anaconda beats you up in school tomorrow!"

"How do you know about that? Are you stalking me, too? You're a stalking rapist!"

"Oh no, you mentioned it in your drunken psycho babble last night, along with the fact that you were intending to seduce me…"

"I think you mean that you seduced me… via drugs… and alcohol…you rapist stalker pig!"

"How many times must I tell the world, I don't use drugs, my name is Cake because of crack! And you're the one who pulled me into your room and took advantage of me."

"Hey Cake, did you know that Finley and Rey Mysterio won the tag team match last night?" Ace said completely off topic.

"No, I was not aware of that because I was here, being raped by your sister."

"Oh… well I was watching House and I think Chase might actually be straight…"

"Not even possible, dude, he was born to be a flaming homosexual."

"No, really, I think that when Cameron-"

"Shut up about your stupid man soap operas! We're having a serious discussion!" Julie stated.

"Oh, what serious discussion? I know Cake; he couldn't rape a blow up doll. And I know you, you couldn't rape anyone, because sex isn't pleasurable to you. No one was raped. You both got drunk and fucked. That is the Ace diagnosis… I did the same thing last weekend before I got grounded."

"But how are we supposed to fight about it nobody did anything?"

"Um… don't fight about it? You awkwardly put back on your clothes, pretend that you'll call each other sometime and walk away…"

"Wow, it's really that simple?" Cake asked.

"Heck yes it is, I do it all the time so I would know."

"Okay, I'll call you sometime Julie…" Cake stated as he pulled up his jeans and walked out of the room with Ace. Julie could hear them resuming their conversation in the hallway, "I don't care how hot Cameron is, there's no woman on earth that could activate Chase's man berries."

"Well you never know, if Julie can activate _your_ man berries, then I'm sure anything is possible." Julie angrily pulled on a shirt and followed them into the hallway.

"There's only one flaw in your full proof plan Ace!" Julie accused.

"And what is that, silly woman?" Ace asked.

"Cake is over ALL the time!" Ace thought about it for a moment before shrugging.

"Well, I guess you're gonna have to stay in your room from now on." Ace said whilst pushing Cake in his room and closing the door behind him. Julie, of course, wouldn't accept that, and followed Ace into his room.

"I thought we already established that you and Cake are avoiding each other for the time being." Ace said with a frustrated sigh.

"I'm not spending the rest of my life locked up in my room while you two have porn parties!"

"What are you talking about, woman? You won't stay there for the rest of your life, just until one of us moves out. I guess I would end up moving out first, though, because you're a spoiled little brat who needs mommy and daddy to complete even the simplest of tasks for you… so, it's just gonna be another four years or so." Julie growled before slapping Ace in the head.

"You're ridiculous! I'm not locking myself in my room for four years! I'm giving you an ultimatum: it's me or Cake, make your-."

"Cake," Ace answered without hesitation.

"Well then I guess I'm just gonna go kill myself then!"

"Have fun, baby sister, me and Cake are gonna have another one of those 'porn parties' that we're so famous for," Ace replied before pushing her out of the room.

"No, it's okay, I am willing to sacrifice my happiness for Julie's life," Cake said with his head down, "we'll just have to chill at my house from now on, with the rest of the crack heads and Soda Pop." Cake let out a deep sigh and walked past both Julie and Ace. He held pretty strong until the door closed behind him and he began sobbing loud and uncontrollably. Ace gave Julie an annoyed look.

"Go fix him."

"What the hell am I supposed to do about it?"

"Go and tell him he's allowed to stay here!" Ace growled and pointed to the door.

"You do it, he's _your_ friend!"

"Yeah, well he's _your_ man puppet!"

"I thought we weren't supposed to mention what happened last night!"

"I never said that, I can talk about it whenever I damn well please, you guys are just supposed to be all awkward and junk."

"I don't wanna be all awkward and junk! That's why he can't come over anymore!" Julie screeched, Cake let out a particularly loud howl of despair from behind the closed door.

"Have you ever _been_ to his house?" Ace asked.

"No…"

"Well I have! And you can trust me, Snake and Spider are two people you don't wanna meet in your lifetime!"

"His house can't be_ too_ bad…"

"Why the hell do you think he spends the majority of his life over here? Because it IS that bad!"

"Well that's not my problem… maybe he should just put himself up for adoption or something."

"That's horrible, you bitch! And you know it's bad if _I_ think so!"

"Well, he's clearly unhappy!"

"No, he's only going to be unhappy if he's not allowed to come over here anymore! He was perfectly content with his life a couple hours ago!"

"Perfectly content because he was on top of me!"

"He was happy before that, that was just the icing on the cake… haha, literally! THAT'S HIS NAME! Oh geez, Cake pun." Ace started off seriously and then began to hysterically laugh. His laughing settled and he regained some stature, "But seriously… go tell him he can still come over."

"Ugh, fine!" Julie screeched as she headed for the door.

"I crack myself up," Ace mumbled to himself as he wiped away a tear. Julie slowly opened up the door to find Cake on the ground whimpering. As soon as he caught sight of her he jumped on his feet and wiped away his tears.

"I was just leaving." He said in a deep voice trying to play it off as if he wasn't bursting into tears like a four year old a few minutes ago.

"No… you can still come over if you want," Julie mumbled so quietly Cake couldn't understand her.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"You can come over."

"YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!" He exclaimed as he scooped up Julie in his arms and did a notebook twirl. "This is the happiest day of my life, all we need is some rain and dramatic music!"

"Put me down, you crazy bastard, before I change my mind." Julie yelled. Cake released and set her down on her feet taking a few steps backward.

"I knew you loved me," Cake grinned mischievously.

"I don't love you! I just…yeah! I don't love you!"

"What ever you say my little pumpernickel…"

"What did I say about the pet names, mister?"

"Are you gonna punish me?" Cake asked. Julie blushed and pushed her way passed him to her room. She slammed the door and locked it behind her before pulling her diary out from under her bed and beginning today's entry. Cake stared at the close door before doing a happy little jig.

"She wants me."

…………………**.**

**Love,**

**Hello Helicopter and Boom Box Generation.**

**Because it took us so long to update, we're gonna tell what the next chapter is about:**

**JULIE'S DIARY, OF COURSE!**

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